Self understanding

Last week, I was not in a good state. I felt weak during my training sessions, I was low in energy, I ate crap; and I don’t know why that happened…

I’ve been searching for the reason why these happened. As woman, we tend to blame hormones for all of these problems (which, in my case, I did have my period after all of those disaster moment). However, was it really hormones? Was it my high stress level both in work and personal life? Was it simply I over trained and ended up ruining my own body? Truth is, I didn’t know and I couldn’t really figure out why that happened.

For some people, finding the ‘why’ isn’t crucial. However, for me, I believe in understanding self as a way to ‘fix’ self. If understanding the why is impossible, at least understanding the behavioural pattern should be able to provide me better overview on how to handle things. For example, I come to an understanding that I’d feel happier whenever I do things right in the morning. This, for example means skipping morning shower for whatever reason tends to ruin my whole day mood.

What good can come from this self-understanding? Instead of holding on how things can go wrong with one simple thing, it’s worth to remember that when we know the cause, we may have power to change it. If the source can’t be changed, (hopefully), we understand that we always have control on changing our personal perception on things.

In my case, for example, I suspect that I might have overtrained as it was my 1RM week. This overtrained caused tiredness, and caused me to eat more. I could change the first reason by reducing my training frequency and I did it. It didn’t help. My energy was super low, my mood was horrible, I lost my will to eat right. I kept searching and at the end I must admit that my husband went back to London and I couldn’t go with him had huge impact on me. This latest reason was something I couldn’t change. The only thing I could do is to change my perception and reaction on this matter. And to be fair… it kinda failed. I was in a full miserable week.

Saturday morning came. Somehow, after a long contemplation and self talking to find the ‘why’, strength came over me with this thought: if I can’t control things out of my hand (ie. my personal marriage visa issue), then I must control things I can control (ie. eat right, not having injury). It was yesterday. Yesterday, I found out that everything was a circle of hell for me: sad + tired –> eat junk food –> low in energy due to malnutrition –> feel unhappy –> sad + tired… and so on. Yesterday, I understood that all of my bad week may have been caused by the departure of my husband but also, how I reacted on it made things worse.

And so, with this self understanding, I have the strength to restart and fight my sadness. This is my second day, and hopefully, even with all the unexpected bad things, I can be strong enough to control what I can control.


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