Melawan Nafsu

ingin kulumat segala yang kulihat

namun berkali-kali kutahan napsuku


takkan kubiarkan apa yang sudah kubangun berhari-hari, runtuh dalam kejapan mata


sebesar besarnya hasratku untuk meraup semua itu,

tak ingin ku letakkan jeda diantara proses yang sudah berkesinambungan


karena malangnya, hidupku tak berakhir hari ini,

dan besok,

aku ingin muncul sebagai seorang pemenang


London, berperang melawan crisp, 07 04 19

Better Late than Never, so Don’t Settle.

For the last months, I’ve found my favorite sport: weightlifting. It started from crossfit in March 2017, then evolve as a love in weightlifting in the last few months.

Last week, I joined my first club competition. It was a practice to compete and I faced a hard fact: they are all so young! 13, 17, 20 years old girls… some of them compete at an Elite level. I don’t care about age in general but in sport, age does matter. Four years from now, I won’t even be able to compete on senior age group.

It struck me and made me think ‘oh, I wish I found this earlier.’ but then, I guess I can’t really complain about it, can I? I had my love of basketball during high school. Above all the fun I had, I found the best people in my life through basketball. This, I won’t change with anything on earth. Again, this reassures me how I can’t complain about my late findings in weightlifting.

I joined crossfit as I was bored with my regular training. I didn’t want to lift before – instead, I hate lifting. I remember how I rejected squatting with my boyfriend back then. Then I joined crossfit as I thought it’s a high-intensity training and I love high-intensity training. I decided to sign up in a box straight away after my first trial.

Few weeks doing WODs, my competitive side started to grow. ‘I want to compete’, I said to myself. Then, I observe, I read, I watch how competitors train. They don’t do WODs, they train with a specific program. They become strong and I was nowhere close to strong. Thus, I decided to gain strength via a solid strength programming. If I want to catch up with my strength, I need to have a solid programming that focuses on this. And that how thing started.

Time passes by, I started to understand the lifting world even better. Understand the differences between powerlifting and weightlifting. Tried both, hated weightlifting so much as it was hard, focused on 531 powerlifting programming, and then started to try focusing weightlifting skill. The story goes ‘I’m bored with P90x at home’ to ‘I love weightlifting and want to compete’.

Looking back on how I found my love of this sport reminds me of Steve Jobs’ speech at Standford: “You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.”

In my case, it’s not even with a big thing such jobs, career, or soulmate. It’s as simple as finding my hobby and to me – it’s a reminder to never give up in finding ‘true love’ for every single aspect of our life. I’ve found my true love in sport and it really is getting better as I am involved in it. May this contemplation be a reminder for future me when life gets hard and I feel like nothing is right.


Breakfast is A Treat

I have mentioned few times that I have love-hate relationship with food. My tendency is to have a non-stop meal when I am bored followed by regret/sadness. I am glad that it has been better recently compared to mid 2017 but the struggle to eat right consistently is still there.

As my struggle continues, I notice how breakfast has a huge role on my future meal of the day. When I choose the right meal, it gives me joy and happiness. On the other hand, when I start with something too sweat, I tend to feel sick and crave for the rest of the day. Thus, I start to come with two rules for my breakfast.

First rule is to eat things I love that don’t make me sick. What does this mean? I eat whatever I want, as long as it does not have any negative impact on my stomach health. On savoury side, crisp and fried food are my favorite things. On the sweet side, cheesecake is my hero. However, I will not eat these three things in the morning, regardless how much I love it as it will have negative impact for my day (ie. sickness or tendency to eat junk food the whole day). I also don’t eat cereals in the morning as it makes me want to eat junk food later on the day.

After a while, I have found my true love for breakfast: toast, banana, and peanut butter/jam/Nutella. When I crave for savoury breakfast, I’d go for toast & eggs. (PS. Now you can see how toast is my source of happiness, hahaha!) I realize that peanut butter is full of fat and still not so healthy but these combination makes me happy. It makes me ready to face this unpredictable world with positive mind. So, every morning – after my training routine, I usually have this combination. I consciously ignore my coworker who tease me with ‘oh – that’s look healthy’ statement whenever they see my plates full of banana, toast and peanut butter. I don’t care, it makes me happy – short and doesn’t harm long term – so I’ll have it.

Second rule is to eat healthy thing in the morning. This way, I am less concern if I don’t have a chance to have vegetables or fruits on that day for whatever reason. To accomplish this, I have my green juice before or during my morning training. It is made from green vegetable (spinach or kale), carrot, and 2 types of other fruits (usually among tomato, apple, pear, orange, or berries). Truth or myth, I have a belief that this juice supplies my body with fiber and vitamins.

If you notice, I put rule no.1 as food I love, instead of healthy food. There is a valid reason for this: allowing me to eat things I genuinely love in the morning suppress my will to binge eating on that day. Of course this statement is not always true but it is 90% of the time true. It really helps me not to buy a big pack of crisp + french fries + spring roll + full portion of Chinese take away + half round cheese cake and finish it at one go.

So… yes, I treat breakfast as my treat. No matter how hard my day will be, at least I have that 15′ to eat things I really love and get ready to face the world. Breakfast is my life therapy.

Blue Monday: The most Depressing Day of The Year

It is said that today is the most depressing day of the year in UK, at least. This is mainly because it’s the 3rd Monday in January: people are back from holiday, ran out of money after all the end of year season, starting to realize how their resolution goes no where, in addition to wet – dark – cold day. This term is popular as blue Monday.

I hope this ‘trend’ doesn’t make our lives gloomier today. This claim should not give us excuse of ‘oh everyone is depressed, so I also feel blue today’. We should – at least try to – treat this information as knowledge, instead of being influenced by it.

The free information flow has its downside and if I can mention one of many, is this kind of thing: (bad) influence. Btw, this is not my critics as I also believe that media is one source or rich knowledge. It is just sometimes our knowledge toy our own self.

There was a research that showed how the suicidal rate increase significantly after Marilyn Monroe died in August 1962. This was compared to the year before and after, also the month before and after. Thus, it is not my critic saying how media exposure can influence our decision making process in taking our life, I was simply stating the truth.

Media keeps exposing how today is perceived as blue Monday. Check this if you want to see how many news mentions blue Monday today. I checked Google Trends that capture the spike on people searching for the term it self today. 

Coincidentally (or sadly), it’s very wet since early morning today. Luckily, it is not a cold day for winter. There you go: one thing to be thankful of!

Media is a well-known tool to shape opinions and way of thinking. We – as someone who can think – need to learn how to separate fact and opinion. The facts are: today is Monday, 15 January, 8-11 degree, raining all morning but will get better in the afternoon and evening. It is also true that the depression rate increased today over year. {We don’t know if that is because of media or not. Hard to tell) The rest is opinion.

If somehow today we feel blue, let’s take some time before blaming blue Monday. It can be that this happens because we are lack of sleep last night or our boss just brought us a bad news. Do not let blue Monday take over our happiness today!

Stay strong and let’s believe that tomorrow is a better day.


WHAT New Year Resolution?!

It’s January. Everyone comes with their 2018 resolution….

My gym is packed, healthy meal subscription increased…. and boom! It drops again when January ends.

And someone asked me if I have any new year resolution.

My answered was ‘nope. Don’t have one. Never had any’. It’s as simple as I don’t buy the concept of – ‘oh it’s new year, let’s do this and this’.

My cynical side always think that new year is just another day. It’s like switching from 31 December to 1 January. Why bother? Isn’t it the same with 16 June changes to 17 June? Exactly! Just another day in our life.

However, my other side agrees that new year is a thing to celebrate. It’s a sign that we survive another 365 days on earth. Moreover, why not taking a chance when you have a reason to celebrate something?!


People put too much extragerration on new year resolution. My point is,  if you’re weak on your will, it won’t change suddenly just because the calendar changes, if you know what I mean. So – your resolution won’t be done.

Thus, whatever your resolution is, make a plan to reach it. Treat it the same way you treat your other objective. I don’t have new year resolution but I do have goals each year and I try to make plan on it. Not that everything was accomplished, of course – but most of the time, it goes somewhere.

Create some mid point check, if needed. This way, we know if in the middle of the year, we are out of our track to reach the goal.

Other thing is, take some time at the end of the year to retrospect on the goal. This usually helps a lot for the following year.

Most important, let’s not wait for new year to change your life. It’s just an excuse for us to not doing it now.

The key for successful resolution is set – plan – execute!